As someone who grew up in an environment where my family had unhealthy relationships with screens, and now as the spouse of a man who provides for our family via screens and who likes to play videogames in his free-time, I needed to read this. Since I met him, I’ve been working on seeing them as tools – neither good nor bad until paired with our circumstances and intentions, but I certainly have my hangups and this article helps.
I was already getting into the minimalist movement via Marie Kondo* when my husband quit his job to start freelancing from home, I got pregnant with our second, and I lost my (part-time) job.
This pregnancy, I ended up getting rid of 10-15% of our stuff. Once the what felt like near-death symptoms of my HG wore off and I became more “normal sick” and mentally functioning, just mostly couch-bound, I hadn’t much in my control, many ways to feel productive, so I decluttered, and organized, and re-organized our house. A few weeks ago, I casually asked my husband if he ever used the holy water font by the front door, to which he responded while looking at me both imploringly and firmly, “Please don’t give away any more of our stuff before this baby is born.” Poor guy. It was a bag of donations for Goodwill every few days at one point. Plus a couch here and bookshelf there. But that’s just part of it.
I was, at first, living a privileged minimalism. I could get rid of something that didn’t “spark joy” in me and replace it with something cute with gold accents from Target or IKEA that did. Things have changed. Due to our current financial situation, with my husband being self-employed and a lack of regular paychecks in regular amounts, budgeting has been an adventure. We were already on the Dave Ramsey* bandwagon and at the beginning of this freelancing journey discovered You Need A Budget (it’s not free, but it is worth it). It has helped tremendously, says my husband. (I’m normally more involved with our finances but constant nausea isn’t super conducive to that.) YNAB is great because you tell each dollar where to go – it’s not designed to simply record where that dollar ended up going, and because it works with the actual money you have, not a theoretical amount that doesn’t align with your bank account. This has left us with the age old wisdom: if you don’t have money for it, don’t buy it. How has that been going for us?
My mom was great at buying in bulk, finding sales (maybe a little too great – “It’s on sale! If we don’t buy it, we will be practically losing money!”), and keeping every odd and end that passed through our hands for “someday”, “just in case”. I’ve definitely got her frugality, but her holding onto everything started to rub me the wrong way once I was in college and discerning religious life. I went away for a weekend with some nuns to learn about their life, and only brought with me a backpack with a change of clothes, pajamas, minimal toiletries, and a Bible. It blew my mind that you could live this way. We are talking about the girl who filled at 12 passenger van to move across the country for university, bringing even multiple sets of free weights which I lifted only when moving residences. Since getting married, I’ve been learning what I can and can’t buy from Costco. 50 lb bag of flour? Yes! We bake our own bread and go through it fairly quickly. Bag of nuts that I only use for a couple recipes? Pass. They have been sitting in my fridge for years. I still try to shop only from what’s on sale, but the hoarding thing is another story. If not minimalism, then simplicity has gotten under my skin. And while the end product of that is delivering bags of donations to Goodwill and a more open, more streamlined house, it starts, I’m learning the hard way, with my Amazon account.
I’ve always loved reading tips on our how to save money. It feels like entertainment that is also productive! And although the repetition gets old, I’m ever-hopeful that the next list will include an idea I haven’t heard before. The #1 suggestion listed is, almost without fail, cutting out Starbucks and either making your mocha-caramel-frappa-whoozie at home, or dropping it altogether. First off, I don’t like coffee. Secondly, due to probably both nature and nurture, I’ve never spent money on things I was taught to be extravagances. Like drinks. Bring a water bottle with you and fill it up. Not too hard. As a family, we already rarely go to the movies or out to eat. We stick to our grocery list when shopping and make ourselves leave the store or sleep on it to think it over before making a purchase. But then it hit me. Amazon is my Starbucks. Because we have a couple different accounts and I’m lazy, I didn’t tally up how much we have spent the last few years on Amazon, but I know I would be shocked by the number. No big purchases, mind you, and I don’t even buy clothes or shoes online because I’m annoyingly picky, but it’s sooo easy as a housewife to read a blog or hear a suggestion from an older, wiser friend and think, “That product would be so helpful! And it’s only $10! I’ll just pull it from my ‘household’ budget for the month. I’m doing my job.” Let me tell you: since my husband has been freelancing, our “household” budget has disappeared. Toothpaste, deodorant, soap, and toilet paper are the only non-food items we buy. Seriously. My recent Amazon order history is blank (except for some maternity underpants, but if your underpants literally made you throw up, you would think new ones were a necessity, too). When I first got into Montessori, I got major Instagram jealousy and thought I couldn’t educate my children well if I didn’t have every – or even one or two – wooden, naturally-dyed, organic things made by 7th generation German craftsmen with an affiliate link on a blog I liked. At first, I tried to keep up. Ahhh, my first experience of keeping up with the Joneses. A humbling one. Now, I don’t even DIY these activities. When my toddler is ready to sort by color, she doesn’t need anything I bought for the purpose. She doesn’t need a game I DIYed out of recyclables (that I went out and used and then saved for that purpose). She will sort her socks. And her balls. And her beads. Heck, with me stuck on the couch, she doesn’t even need me to model it for her most of the time. She will survive. And she will learn.
Another tip I read about to be thrifty is to have a “no-spend” weekend, or week, or even month. “Challenge yourself!”, the authors croon, “It will force you to be creative and work together!” Before this current stage of life, I could totally get down with that. Now? I laugh. How elitist I was! And how proud, I’m sure, my future self will see my current self as! It’s a constant temptation to see the good that others have, but to focus on the negative in our own lives. To wallow in our busyness and lack of time, and then we have kids! To mope over our financial situation, and then we lose our job! My life feels like a no-spend zone, I complained then, and I complained now. I thought not being able to buy red meat regularly was a deprivation, and now vegetarianism isn’t just a trendy lifestyle choice. But you know what? We aren’t starving – and some people in the world are. Not that my sufferings don’t matter because someone else has it worse, or even just different. It’s not a comparison game. It’s a humility game, if you will: seeing reality, including ourselves, for what it is, for what we are. Praise God. We have a home. And family and friends. We can feed ourselves and our children. We can put gas in our car to go to the park or to church. And if I really need new underpants, we will find a way to get me new underpants. I’ve heard it said, What if we woke up every morning, with only the things we thanked God for the night before? I am so grateful. I guess that’s what I’m learning from this whole experience.
I’m a list-maker, so I used to have a note on my phone with our immediate family’s special dates (anniversaries, birthdays, Baptism days, etc.) and next to each of those I had a gift idea. Whenever I came across or thought of another idea, I would extend the calendar , or even include less special days to make room for the purchases I wanted to make. It was hard letting that go. It’s difficult when something breaks to not be able to replace it. When people ask how you celebrated an event and you say, we went to the park or we had a nice homemade meal (like we do every week, but we did it with extra joy), it’s humbling. But this is our life. We are living this way by circumstance and by choice – but mostly by grace. This lifestyle is – I’m sure – closer to the reality of the “good ol’ days” than the idealized version expounding community and homegrown everything that exists in my head. I can see God’s hand at work, teaching me detachment, to stop creating needs for myself, to surrender my concerns over our financial situation to my omnipotent, omniscient, and most loving Father, to be grateful for every crumb on my plate and every sock I get to/have to darn, to, yes, enjoy the creative challenge of going without, to humbly let a generous friend buy us groceries, and to just be – loving my people and using my things, rather than using my people and loving my things.
Plus, cleaning the house is a lot easier when you have less stuff to put away.
*Note: Any books, and almost any products really, that I recommend, I would borrow from a library or a friend if possible, and buy second-hand and locally if need be, to both save money and reduce waste.
With your first kid, there’s the baby shower. Everyone’s excited. Especially if that baby is also the first grandbaby. The cutesy stuff pours in thanks to generous and loving family and friends. Some of it you return so you have some practical stuff too. But what about baby #2?
Boy clothes – Our first was a girl, and this hunka munka is not, so despite my earlier attempts at gender neutrality, we will still need a few items. (The toddler’s favorite pajamas are her fire truck/helicopter/police car/ambulance/motorcycle ones. Butterflies are a close second.) But honestly, I’ve learned that summer babies don’t need a ton of clothes. If people gift us any (thanks for the cute, striped onesies, Nonnie!), I will be grateful. But on my “need” list for him are a couple t-shirts to go with his cloth diapers when we leave the house. We’ve got a hat, swim diaper, socks, pajamas, swaddlers, and blankets. At church, they are in the car seat asleep the whole time or under a blanket nursing, so he doesn’t need fancy clothes until he’s a little older, and then only one outfit. And maybe some trunks to go over the swim diaper because, who can resist.
Baby carrier – While we already have a lovely Beco Gemini and a ring sling, we are a hiking family. For long/strenuous nature walks, we need something for each little person (don’t worry, we let them out often to run, but I don’t think the two year old can handle a 10 miler just yet). I’m looking into carriers that can put an infant on your back. We bought a hiking carrier with an external frame a while ago and hated it so we got rid of it. The Beco is great, but when I am hiking I prefer them on my back so I can watch my foot placement, and the manual says the back position is only for babies with neck control. I’m not waiting 6+ months to go on a hike guys. I need your suggestions on this one!
Mattress – And sheets. But no comforter or pillow. This is actually for the toddler, since she sleeps on her crib mattress straight on the floor (and has since about a year old, when I read about Montessori floor beds). I was going to get rid of the crib when we made that switch until I realized that if we had another (which we wanted) and they had to share a room (which seemed highly probable), I didn’t want my oldest smothering her little sibling with affection, or blankets, when I wasn’t looking. Our oldest stopped night nursing at 6 months (when I moved to the living room), so the plan is to put the babe in the room with the toddler whenever that happens in the safety of the crib. Which means that the toddler now needs a mattress! I’m thinking a twin, so it will last, well, until she moves out. I have made the switch to plastic-free, organic, natural jimmy jank in many areas of my life, and I know your face is pressed up against a mattress for like a third of your life beating in its contents, but guys, THE PEE! So feel free to try to convince me either way. We will just have to see what’s in the budget when the time comes.
Dresser – Not normally on baby registries, but with our first, we were in a one-bedroom so our dresser was also her dresser and changing station. For the past year, her clothes have been in baskets on toy shelves or on her closet floor. It’s time to upgrade. We did the measurements the first time around so we knew my husband who’s over a foot taller than me wouldn’t break his back changing a diaper on it, nor would I need a stool. So we are thinking the half-size, same height version of what we already have to go in their closet.
Carseat – #2 gets the hand-me-down. #1, the Costco multi-use on sale for $80 that’s been sitting on our dryer for 6 months.
What we are not getting:
Diapers – We did cloth for the newborn stage, so we are covered there. One is pink, but we got the rest as culturally gender neutral as possible. And it won’t kill him to wear pink. People confuse the sex of your kid even when she’s a girl in a headband with a bow and taffeta dress with roses on it and lacey slippers. One thing I learned with the first is that cloth can be so bulky, pants don’t really fit over them. You might see that as a drawback, but I see the silver lining! In the California winter, we just used leg warmers. And in the summer? Well, all he’ll need is a diaper!
Double stroller – Maybe we’ll change our minds on this. Many a woman is wiser and more experienced than I who swears by them. But, for now, my two year old walks just fine. I have not once had her ask me to pick her up because she was tired. Because she wanted love and attention, about every 5 seconds. But not for muscle fatigue. Plus, we’ve got at least two carriers that fit in the basket underneath the stroller if we ever need to swap! (Granted, no swapping will occur whilst babe still requires infant adapter and carseat. But it’s like St. Josemaría says: “Don’t create needs for yourself.”)
What wisdom do you mamas of more than one have to share?
There’s something about the term “baby-proof” that rubs me the wrong way. Maybe it’s the pro-lifer in me, saying that babies aren’t dangers that we need to defend ourselves against. Maybe it’s just that I wouldn’t want something to be Hannah-proofed, because that would imply I couldn’t develop a healthy relationship with that object and treat it respectfully and appropriately, that the standard was set so low because not much was expected of me. I know that this is not what people intend when they use the term and that people love their children and simply want to keep them safe, but I believe these inferences are still fair.
This is why something clicked in me when I first discovered RIE, a philosophy of respectfully interacting with infants and toddlers that treats them as capable persons, rather than dolls that need everything done for them (no finger-pointing here; I use such an extreme comparison merely to emphasize what RIE values). RIE teaches that in our homes we ought to have a “yes” space, where our youngest ones are free to examine and touch, to explore, learn, and grow, without being told, “No!”. “No” can take many forms:
- Get down!
- Don’t touch that!
- Be careful!
- That’s not for you.
- That’s not for babies.
- That’s sharp!
- Be careful not to break it!
You get the idea.
Babies put things in their mouths. It’s a fact of life. But I think we too often buy into our modern consumerist and “expert”-led culture that implies only products created and purchased for teething can go in their mouth, and they have to by sanitized anytime they touch anything ever. Every family parents differently, so please don’t take anything I say as a criticism of your lifestyle. Some people value germ-free environments more than others. Some people have health problems where they need a more sanitary environment. I don’t fall into either of those categories, and I grew up with 8 siblings, so in our house, we ask two questions when the baby wants to mouth an object:
- Will it harm the baby?
- Will it harm the object?
And we have to answer honestly. Will junior really suffer physical or psychological harm from chewing on that ball/pan/hat? No? Then, will it damage the object itself? Because we do want our children to treat their belongings well, to be good stewards of what God has given us. That means no eating books, or sister’s artwork. But that also gives freedom to play with objects in an unexpected manner. Blocks don’t have to be stacked one on top of the other; they can be stacked on top of Daddy while he is reading. Crayons don’t have to be used for coloring; they can be separated into different jars for fun! And things can go in baby’s mouths, whether that’s what they were designed for or not.
RIE, from what I have read, usually creates one (or more) rooms/fenced off areas in the house where the child can explore freely. Our house is fairly small and adding fences wouldn’t help that situation. So while our house isn’t entirely a yes space, our toddler is allowed everywhere in it, and often unsupervised. For us, this means that no dangerous chemicals or sharp objects are within reasonable reach ever. Parents of toddlers know what I mean by reasonable. My almost two-year-old daughter can slide a chair from the dining area to the kitchen counter, climb it, open the overhead cupboard door, and reach the knife block contained therein. She can physically do that. But we talk to her about safety in an open, respectful, and consistent way, and we know her pretty well, so we trust her not to do that. We do have areas that are more easily accessible to her that we still do not want her making a mess of. Under our bathroom sinks, we store toilet paper, and if she wanted, she could unspool all the Costco-quantity TP until our apartment was ready for Halloween in February. But we have asked her not to, we have shown her other areas that are more appropriate for her, and we have not shamed her for getting into messy things so that she sees them like some forbidden fruit that she can only play with when mom and dad aren’t looking.
When friends come over, they see all the spots that our daughter now generally ignores, and messes happen. But I want to give my daughter as much freedom as possible and appropriate, and I want her to know that we trust her. Even and especially from this young age.
We cover outlets, hide cords, and secure furniture to walls. Her bedroom, where she sleeps on a floor bed and has unsupervised access to everything therein every night, contains nothing sharp, poisonous, or otherwise dangerous. I love plants and they are within her reach scattered throughout the house, but not in her bedroom, because if they aren’t poisonous, their fertilized soil might be.
Yes, sometimes she gets into somewhere I wouldn’t necessarily want her to be, but she is not in danger. Things break, but so do people. I want her to know that broken things can be fixed or replaced, and that I trust her, and that she is capable of doing things well. Not to sound all hippie-dippie (although I could argue this concept as very Christian), but I would much rather things break, than break her spirit. And, honestly? We’ve used glass cups and plates with her since she began to wean and she has maybe broken four things in our whole house in two years. So while our entire apartment isn’t exactly a yes space, it is our daughter’s home as much as it is ours, and she is learning responsibility, self-awareness, and self-confidence day by day.
When we moved to our two bedroom apartment, our daughter had just celebrated her first birthday and I had been sleeping in our living room for the past 6 months. I had also recently gotten my hands on some books about Dr. Maria Montessori and her philosophy of raising and educating children. Needless to say, I was hooked. It is, however, always easier to do external activities than make internal changes so instead of sitting quietly and observing my daughter to learn of her current interests and skills, I dismantled her newly set up crib. My ever-supportive husband with one raised eyebrow looked on as I put our little girl down to nap on the crib mattress which lay directly on the carpet of her bedroom floor. And guess what? She slept!
Our daughter has for the most part always been a sleeper that parents hope for, and if she stays awake, she has access to her toys and books and goes to bed when she’s ready. Her room is safe for her to explore, but we did eventually get a video baby monitor from a friend only because often she would be awake and playing, but quietly, so I would be waiting for her to wake up so we could go run errands, not knowing that she had been up for an hour playing independently!
I don’t like going to bed when I’m not ready to sleep yet, and as I read more about RIE, which coincides so much with what I believe from my Catholic faith about the dignity of the human person, I don’t want to make her go to bed when she’s not ready either. For my own sanity, for the sake of our marriage, and for our daughter to learn to adjust to the routines of our family, we do lead her to her bed around the same times every day. We tell her beforehand that it is time to rest. A few minutes later we tell her it’s time to tidy her room, because if it is at all disorganized, she won’t sleep, but will want to play! If it’s nighttime, we help get her pajamas on her, say a prayer and/or sing a song, bless each other with holy water, and then it’s time to lie down. If she is tired, she will lie down on her own, usually. We simply then tuck her in and give her a kiss. If she is not tired or tired, but cranky, we let her know that it’s time to rest and she can read or play with her toys, but that we are going to leave her alone and shut the door and that her “bebé” is going to sleep now and when she’s ready she can join her in bed. Sometimes there are brief tears, but more often than not is painless.
If we can hear/see her staying up for an extended period of time playing or sitting by the door, knocking and saying, “Mamá! Mommy! Mamá! Meemah!”, it generally means she has soiled her diaper with a number two so we change it and she then goes right down on her own.
When her little brother is born, he will stay in our room as long as that works for all of us, and then he will be in a crib, sharing a room with his sister. We will get her a twin at that time, so we don’t have to upgrade anymore as she grows. I’m glad I didn’t just toss the crib when I first read about floor beds, because the room would not be safe for both children if they were unsupervised all night without barriers between them (my toddler already smothers her doll with love, blankets, and sometimes her own body, so I’m going to keep my eye on her when her baby brother is around!). From what I’ve read, we will probably take down the crib and move our son to a floor bed when he is 18 months old, because by that age he will be able to defend himself against his older sister! But we will take it one day at a time, making sure to keep them safe, and trying to be present in every moment!