Minimalism and the Virtue of Detachment

Minimalism and the Virtue of Detachment

I was already getting into the minimalist movement via Marie Kondo* when my husband quit his job to start freelancing from home, I got pregnant with our second, and I lost my (part-time) job.

This pregnancy, I ended up getting rid of 10-15% of our stuff. Once the what felt like near-death symptoms of my HG wore off and I became more “normal sick” and mentally functioning, just mostly couch-bound, I hadn’t much in my control, many ways to feel productive, so I decluttered, and organized, and re-organized our house. A few weeks ago, I casually asked my husband if he ever used the holy water font by the front door, to which he responded while looking at me both imploringly and firmly, “Please don’t give away any more of our stuff before this baby is born.” Poor guy. It was a bag of donations for Goodwill every few days at one point. Plus a couch here and bookshelf there. But that’s just part of it.

I was, at first, living a privileged minimalism. I could get rid of something that didn’t “spark joy” in me and replace it with something cute with gold accents from Target or IKEA that did. Things have changed. Due to our current financial situation, with my husband being self-employed and a lack of regular paychecks in regular amounts, budgeting has been an adventure. We were already on the Dave Ramsey* bandwagon and at the beginning of this freelancing journey discovered You Need A Budget (it’s not free, but it is worth it). It has helped tremendously, says my husband. (I’m normally more involved with our finances but constant nausea isn’t super conducive to that.) YNAB is great because you tell each dollar where to go – it’s not designed to simply record where that dollar ended up going, and because it works with the actual money you have, not a theoretical amount that doesn’t align with your bank account. This has left us with the age old wisdom: if you don’t have money for it, don’t buy it. How has that been going for us?

My mom was great at buying in bulk, finding sales (maybe a little too great – “It’s on sale! If we don’t buy it, we will be practically losing money!”), and keeping every odd and end that passed through our hands for “someday”, “just in case”. I’ve definitely got her frugality, but her holding onto everything started to rub me the wrong way once I was in college and discerning religious life. I went away for a weekend with some nuns to learn about their life, and only brought with me a backpack with a change of clothes, pajamas, minimal toiletries, and a Bible. It blew my mind that you could live this way. We are talking about the girl who filled at 12 passenger van to move across the country for university, bringing even multiple sets of free weights which I lifted only when moving residences. Since getting married, I’ve been learning what I can and can’t buy from Costco. 50 lb bag of flour? Yes! We bake our own bread and go through it fairly quickly. Bag of nuts that I only use for a couple recipes? Pass. They have been sitting in my fridge for years. I still try to shop only from what’s on sale, but the hoarding thing is another story. If not minimalism, then simplicity has gotten under my skin. And while the end product of that is delivering bags of donations to Goodwill and a more open, more streamlined house, it starts, I’m learning the hard way, with my Amazon account.

I’ve always loved reading tips on our how to save money. It feels like entertainment that is also productive! And although the repetition gets old, I’m ever-hopeful that the next list will include an idea I haven’t heard before. The #1 suggestion listed is, almost without fail, cutting out Starbucks and either making your mocha-caramel-frappa-whoozie at home, or dropping it altogether. First off, I don’t like coffee. Secondly, due to probably both nature and nurture, I’ve never spent money on things I was taught to be extravagances. Like drinks. Bring a water bottle with you and fill it up. Not too hard. As a family, we already rarely go to the movies or out to eat. We stick to our grocery list when shopping and make ourselves leave the store or sleep on it to think it over before making a purchase. But then it hit me. Amazon is my Starbucks. Because we have a couple different accounts and I’m lazy, I didn’t tally up how much we have spent the last few years on Amazon, but I know I would be shocked by the number. No big purchases, mind you, and I don’t even buy clothes or shoes online because I’m annoyingly picky, but it’s sooo easy as a housewife to read a blog or hear a suggestion from an older, wiser friend and think, “That product would be so helpful! And it’s only $10! I’ll just pull it from my ‘household’ budget for the month. I’m doing my job.” Let me tell you: since my husband has been freelancing, our “household” budget has disappeared. Toothpaste, deodorant, soap, and toilet paper are the only non-food items we buy. Seriously. My recent Amazon order history is blank (except for some maternity underpants, but if your underpants literally made you throw up, you would think new ones were a necessity, too). When I first got into Montessori, I got major Instagram jealousy and thought I couldn’t educate my children well if I didn’t have every – or even one or two – wooden, naturally-dyed, organic things made by 7th generation German craftsmen with an affiliate link on a blog I liked. At first, I tried to keep up. Ahhh, my first experience of keeping up with the Joneses. A humbling one. Now, I don’t even DIY these activities. When my toddler is ready to sort by color, she doesn’t need anything I bought for the purpose. She doesn’t need a game I DIYed out of recyclables (that I went out and used and then saved for that purpose). She will sort her socks. And her balls. And her beads. Heck, with me stuck on the couch, she doesn’t even need me to model it for her most of the time. She will survive. And she will learn.

Another tip I read about to be thrifty is to have a “no-spend” weekend, or week, or even month. “Challenge yourself!”, the authors croon, “It will force you to be creative and work together!” Before this current stage of life, I could totally get down with that. Now? I laugh. How elitist I was! And how proud, I’m sure, my future self will see my current self as! It’s a constant temptation to see the good that others have, but to focus on the negative in our own lives. To wallow in our busyness and lack of time, and then we have kids! To mope over our financial situation, and then we lose our job! My life feels like a no-spend zone, I complained then, and I complained now. I thought not being able to buy red meat regularly was a deprivation, and now vegetarianism isn’t just a trendy lifestyle choice. But you know what? We aren’t starving – and some people in the world are. Not that my sufferings don’t matter because someone else has it worse, or even just different. It’s not a comparison game. It’s a humility game, if you will: seeing reality, including ourselves, for what it is, for what we are. Praise God. We have a home. And family and friends. We can feed ourselves and our children. We can put gas in our car to go to the park or to church. And if I really need new underpants, we will find a way to get me new underpants. I’ve heard it said, What if we woke up every morning, with only the things we thanked God for the night before? I am so grateful. I guess that’s what I’m learning from this whole experience.

I’m​ a list-maker, so I used to have a note on my phone with our immediate family’s special dates (anniversaries, birthdays, Baptism days, etc.) and next to each of those I had a gift idea. Whenever I came across or thought of another idea, I would extend the calendar , or even include less special days to make room for the purchases I wanted to make. It was hard letting that go. It’s difficult when something breaks to not be able to replace it. When people ask how you celebrated an event and you say, we went to the park or we had a nice homemade meal (like we do every week, but we did it with extra joy), it’s humbling. But this is our life. We are living this way by circumstance and by choice – but mostly by grace. This lifestyle is – I’m sure – closer to the reality of the “good ol’ days” than the idealized version expounding community and homegrown everything that exists in my head. I can see God’s hand at work, teaching me detachment, to stop creating needs for myself, to surrender my concerns over our financial situation to my omnipotent, omniscient, and most loving Father, to be grateful for every crumb on my plate and every sock I get to/have to darn, to, yes, enjoy the creative challenge of going without, to humbly let a generous friend buy us groceries​, and to just be – loving my people and using my things, rather than using my people and loving my things.

Plus, cleaning the house is a lot easier when you have less stuff to put away.

 

*Note: Any books, and almost any products really, that I recommend, I would borrow from a library or a friend if possible, and buy second-hand and locally if need be, to both save money and reduce waste.

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5 things we are getting for our second baby, and 2 we aren’t

5 things we are getting for our second baby, and 2 we aren’t

With your first kid, there’s the baby shower. Everyone’s excited. Especially if that baby is also the first grandbaby. The cutesy stuff pours in thanks to generous and loving family and friends. Some of it you return so you have some practical stuff too. But what about baby #2?

Boy clothes – Our first was a girl, and this hunka munka is not, so despite my earlier attempts at gender neutrality, we will still need a few items. (The toddler’s favorite pajamas are her fire truck/helicopter/police car/ambulance/motorcycle ones. Butterflies are a close second.) But honestly, I’ve learned that summer babies don’t need a ton of clothes. If people gift us any (thanks for the cute, striped onesies, Nonnie!), I will be grateful. But on my “need” list for him are a couple t-shirts to go with his cloth diapers when we leave the house. We’ve got a hat, swim diaper, socks, pajamas, swaddlers, and blankets. At church, they are in the car seat asleep the whole time or under a blanket nursing, so he doesn’t need fancy clothes until he’s a little older, and then only one outfit. And maybe some trunks to go over the swim diaper because, who can resist. 

Baby carrier – While we already have a lovely Beco Gemini and a ring sling, we are a hiking family. For long/strenuous nature walks, we need something for each little person (don’t worry, we let them out often to run, but I don’t think the two year old can handle a 10 miler just yet). I’m looking into carriers that can put an infant on your back. We bought a hiking carrier with an external frame a while ago and hated it so we got rid of it. The Beco is great, but when I am hiking I prefer them on my back so I can watch my foot placement, and the manual says the back position is only for babies with neck control. I’m not waiting 6+ months to go on a hike guys. I need your suggestions on this one!

Mattress – And sheets. But no comforter or pillow. This is actually for the toddler, since she sleeps on her crib mattress straight on the floor (and has since about a year old, when I read about Montessori floor beds). I was going to get rid of the crib when we made that switch until I realized that if we had another (which we wanted) and they had to share a room (which seemed highly probable), I didn’t want my oldest smothering her little sibling with affection, or blankets, when I wasn’t looking. Our oldest stopped night nursing at 6 months (when I moved to the living room), so the plan is to put the babe in the room with the toddler whenever that happens in the safety of the crib. Which means that the toddler now needs a mattress! I’m thinking a twin, so it will last, well, until she moves out. I have made the switch to plastic-free, organic, natural jimmy jank in many areas of my life, and I know your face is pressed up against a mattress for like a third of your life beating in its contents, but guys, THE PEE! So feel free to try to convince me either way. We will just have to see what’s in the budget when the time comes.

Dresser – Not normally on baby registries, but with our first, we were in a one-bedroom so our dresser was also her dresser and changing station. For the past year, her clothes have been in baskets on toy shelves or on her closet floor. It’s time to upgrade. We did the measurements the first time around so we knew my husband who’s over a foot taller than me wouldn’t break his back changing a diaper on it, nor would I need a stool. So we are thinking the half-size, same height version of what we already have to go in their closet.

Carseat – #2 gets the hand-me-down. #1, the Costco multi-use on sale for $80 that’s been sitting on our dryer for 6 months.

What we are not getting:

Diapers – We did cloth for the newborn stage, so we are covered there. One is pink, but we got the rest as culturally gender neutral as possible. And it won’t kill him to wear pink. People confuse the sex of your kid even when she’s a girl in a headband with a bow and taffeta dress with roses on it and lacey slippers. One thing I learned with the first is that cloth can be so bulky, pants don’t really fit over them. You might see that as a drawback, but I see the silver lining! In the California winter, we just used leg warmers. And in the summer? Well, all he’ll need is a diaper!

Double stroller – Maybe we’ll change our minds on this. Many a woman is wiser and more experienced than I who swears by them. But, for now, my two year old walks just fine. I have not once had her ask me to pick her up because she was tired. Because she wanted love and attention, about every 5 seconds. But not for muscle fatigue. Plus, we’ve got at least two carriers that fit in the basket underneath the stroller if we ever need to swap! (Granted, no swapping will occur whilst babe still requires infant adapter and carseat. But it’s like St. Josemaría says: “Don’t create needs for yourself.”)

What wisdom do you mamas of more than one have to share?